Friday, December 21, 2007

I think, therefore I blog

So what does it mean if I haven't blogged for months?

Oh, sure I've blogged. I blog plenty. One might even say that I'm a blogaholic. I blog about crafting here, the family here, for hire here, housekeeping here, weight loss here, and a few Latin exercises for my tutoree here. So yeah, I blog.

This blog, however, has been neglected. It seems that I'm at a place in my life where I'm not doing as much reading, thinking, and pondering as I did while I was teaching. In fact, I can't tell you the last book I read. About the most thought provoking literature I pick up these days is a Sudoku puzzle before I go to bed at night. Somehow I thought once I quit working I would have all the time in the world to read. And I guess I would, if it weren' t for laundry, groceries, dishes, diapers, playdates, and all the other everyday Mommy things that seem to keep me busy. And even if I chiseled out some time in my day for deep reading, I'm not sure I could really switch my brain over to do the kind of thinking it would require. It reminds me of the Tyranny of the Urgent, which I ought to read through again.

So what am I to do? I can't simply quit thinking and pondering and studying just because I can't find a convenient time to get my reading in. At the same time, though, I can't neglect the job God has given me to do right now (being a full time SAHM to a busy toddler) just because I want to feel intelligent. I want to feel sharp and on top of my game, but I don't. So mostly I just don't think about it. Mostly I just don't think.

Most years I do not have a new years resolution. I sort of think they're silly. But this year I do. The more I see Eliana imitating my words and actions, the more I want to be purposeful in what I say and do. So this year I want to strive to live deliberately. I want to have reasons for why I do what I do. I want to live a life that I feel is worthy of my daughter's imitation. God has placed me as steward over her and I want to be a good steward of the precious gift He has entrusted to me. It is not enough to keep her alive and clothed - she must be nurtured spiritually as well as physically. She must not merely live, but thrive on the rich food that is fed her through example, teaching, and discipline. For her to grow to the fullest, I must be deliberate in my words and actions, in my training and discipline, in my praise and correction.

I cannot be offended when she is disobedient or throws tantrums, for it is not against me that she rebels. She is a sinner and, like any sinner, she rebels against God. As her parent, I need to use those moments of rebellion to teach her foundational truths that will shape the person she becomes. I need to teach her that there is right and wrong. And I need to demonstrate that when she chooses to do wrong, there are consequences that she must face. And that though the consequences may be painful, with obedience and repentance comes forgiveness.

I may not spend my days reading Ovid and Livy, or even Lewis and Tolkien. I spend my days reading Boynton and Seuss instead. I have the very real day in and day out task of being malleable enough in God's hands that He can use me as His hands to mold the heart of my daughter so that it will be receptive to Him when she is old enough to enter into a relationship with Him. It cannot be about me. It's can't be about whether I think reading Dr. Seuss is as "valuable" or "intelligent" as reading Augustine. He has placed me right here, right now to raise this girl. So, even though I'm not thinking the "deep" thoughts I was a couple years ago, the thoughts I have today are no less important. They're just completely different.

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